Friday, May 26, 2017

Ouch


At some point last night my reality hit me like a ton of bricks and it's been on my mind all day today. Please don't think I'm in any way about to tell you I've finally got life figured out. Far from it. But I did come to the realization that I've spent way way too much time trying to make things happen, or come true, that are so far out of my control it's not even funny. Like I've thought, "if I just try a little harder it's gonna happen!" Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things I CAN control in that manner...working harder in the gym to gain physical strength, learning something new and taking a few minutes to myself every day to gain mental strength, spending time with God every day to gain spiritual strength. But y'all, I spend so much more time on the things I CAN'T control than I do those things and it has worn me out and made me crazy! (Y'all already knew I was crazy, right?!) 

If you read my previous post you already know I'm in somewhat of a transition period. I have a great job that I love but that's about as much of my life as I have figured out right now. Like I said, this has been on my mind all day today, so in the 24 hours since these "bricks" completely knocked me out I've decided that instead of being frustrated about this transition period I'm going to use it the best way I can. Use it to work on the things I CAN control. Use it to love myself more and work on myself more. Use it to work on me so that I can change and blossom into the woman that God created me to be. I don't like to pray for patience because God is a teachin' God and Lord knows I don't want to keep getting hit with lessons on patience. But I sure need it to keep this momentum and this attitude going. It's not going to be easy and I'm sure there will be fallbacks, but I've completely neglected myself trying so hard to make things happen that weren't/aren't up to me in the first place. It has made me crazy, it's made me sad and discouraged. Those are feelings I have no desire to keep feeling and I know that only I can change them. You know how sometimes you hear people say you can wake up and decide to be happy or wake up and decide to be sad but that how you feel is ultimately up to you? I'm not sure I buy that, but I'm sure gonna try! 

I've recently binge watched two different netflix series (I know, I know) and both (totally unrelated) shows had a strong female lead character and in both shows that female lead said the statement, "I choose me." So that's what I'm trying for a little while. A concept that is completely foreign to me so it may take some time, but I'm choosing me for now. I'm going to work on me and grow me and my prayer is that the rest...all that stuff I can't control...will just fall into place. 


                                                        xoxo,
                                                         Jess

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