Online Dating. I know so many people that have tried it and lots that have actually been successful at it. Frankly, the whole idea of it kinda gives me anxiety. BUT, the man pool in Memphis seems to be slim pickins these days, so my only two single friends and I decided that we were going to try it out.
I sat and painfully answered all those dumb questions that help you find your "matches," wrote a little about myself, uploaded some pictures, and boom. Done. I immediately started getting messages on there from all kinds of boys and I thought, "YES! Boys love me!" I chatted back and forth with a few guys that were harder to talk to than my living room wall, saw more pictures of penises than I've seen in my entire life, and kinda started talking to one guy that seemed like he might be ok...all in the first 2 hours. I kept chatting back and forth with this one guy through the site until he finally thought we should exchange phone numbers and text instead of message through the site. So that's what we did. After getting about 641644614516 more pictures of penises, I decided my time on an online dating site was over. I lasted a whole 48 hours but thought, maybe something will still come of this normal-seeming guy, and if so I can still kind of believe in online dating.
The guy (we'll call him Mike) and I kept talking through text for a few days before he asked if he could call me. Whoa! Slow down there, Mikey! He called, we talked, it was good. He eventually asked me out for a drink so I agreed to meet him. After all, it seemed to be going well so far. I had already learned enough about him to at least think he was interesting. So I met him at my local watering hole, where I was sure to know plenty of people. He looked nothing like his pictures, but was still not a bad looking guy. We sat at the bar and got through all the awkward "nice to see you in person" crap and I thought, ok. This isn't so bad. And then it happened. Within 20 minutes of sitting there at the bar chatting, and with tons of people around, he started attacking my face with his tongue. Just out of nowhere. I SAID SLOW DOWN THERE, MIKEY! Like I literally had to physically push him away from me. Luckily, we both had other SEPARATE plans that evening. I set it up that way on purpose in case he sucked and thank God I did because he did. My other plans happened to be on the patio of the bar I was already at, so I just stepped outside and joined my friends, who were already laughing hysterically at me but told me I should give it one more shot. That's when the bartender walked out and very sternly said, "No, she will not be giving that guy another shot." Within about 30 minutes I got a text from Mike that said, "I already miss you." Um, I'm sorry, what?
Mike and I texted back and forth a couple of more days but I just let that one fade as quickly as possible. Until the awesome, wonderful, perfect night I ran into him while I was out listening to a friend's band play. He started texting me from the same room and I freaked out a little bit. Thankfully I was with one of my best guy friends and was able to play that in my favor. After ignoring all 57 of his texts from the same room, I never heard from good ol' Mikey again. And I never tried online dating again.
Side note: My only two single friends that I mentioned in the beginning are now both in relationships. And NOT from online dating. So here I still sit: Jessica, party of 1.
Til next time,
Jess
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